Amy McCready Webinar

A couple days ago, I watched "Get Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling" by Amy McCready and I found it useful.  McCready describes her own tipping point as one evening she went to bed with a sore throat from yelling at her kids as she tried to get them to bed.  She realized that the image of her that they fell asleep to was this raging, yelling mother.  She was horrified by this and went on to be certified in positive discipline.

She asked the watchers of the webinar to list their battles and I did so:

  • Not Listening
  • Constantly Negotiating
  • Tantrums
  • End of Screen Time
  • Getting into the Shower
  • Talking Back
These are the primary ones, however, the biggest lately seems to be getting Iggy off the screen.  He uses his screen as a form of escape - escape from his new reality as a child of divorced parents, allows him to not have to think about the fact that he no longers lives in a full household.  He like many kids at this time, loves playing Fortnite and can spend endless hours playing that game.  Getting him off the screen during a Battle Royal, always becomes - let me finish this battle, fine, finish the battle and screen is off.  Generally, that goes ok, but often, it is followed up with - just one more battle and then the real life battle begins...  No we had a deal, finish the current battle and that's it, turn off the screen.  He then doesn't listen, he talks back, he begs, negotiates, voices escalate... yelling begins, screen is taken away, upset kid...

As McCready put it:  "Kids want some control over their world.  They push back, resist.  Kids get a hit of power, when they upset parent.  Human beings are born with free will.  Time out is not sustainable for strong willed kids.  Discipline tactics work against the child's nature.  Blame, shame and punishment - bad cycle."

McCready then presents the 5 R's:

  • Respectful - deal with consequences with a calm and respectful way.  If it calmness is not possible, wait 10-15 minutes, cool down.  Kid will shut down or react.  Use obviously related Consequences
  • Related Consequences
  • Reasonable Consequences
  • Revealed in Advance - Consequences must be revealed in advance.  This empowers child to determine how things will work out.
  • Repeat back the child's understanding of a new rule and the consequence.  This establishes a verbal agreement... he knows the deal.
For example, after the screen has been put away, long after, once emotions have calmed, bring up the situation in a respectful manner - "I've noticed we've been having some issue with Fortnight or screen time."  "I've noticed" is disarming and gets us in a problem solving state of mind.  Express concern followed by expectation.  Use 5-minute warning, then no reminders or second chances... it's up to you to turn it off.  Pack up the video game for 3-months to demonstrate the loss of privilege.

3 months seems like a long time to me.  But loss of screen-time for a weekend is reasonable and then more if that particular struggle persists.  I will definitely be applying the 5 Rs and have done so in the past, but perhaps not with sufficient consistency.  More importantly, I need to set house rules and keep them!

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