Reading "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce"

As I confront parenting difficulties, I am reading through Helping Kids Cope with Divorce chapter by chapter in hope that it will help guide me through parenting in my new reality as a divorced father. I will be writing quotes and notes chapter by chapter in this blog, as a place to return to whenever necessary and as a way to help carve necessary concepts into my mind.

Iggy is seeking more control over his life. He of course wishes that his parents had never separated, that I had never left the apartment that he has shared with his father and mother. He is a boy that since very early in his life loved the sense of family. Whenever I'd take him to the park as a toddler, if he saw a family near by, he would venture over to them and try to become part of that larger unit. The separation of his parents has caused him deep pain. The three of us were a single unit for the first eight years of his life, now that reality, the only one that he knew was gone.

From "Introduction":

"A child who refuses to talk is defending himself against emotions that seem overwhelming to him. It is not that he 'doesn't want to talk'; he does. He just isn't sure how to let the feelings out and protect himself at the same time... "The overwhelming majority of children of divorce feel sad, confused, angry, guilty, and conflicted. When these feelings are not expressed and dealt with in a healthy, productive way, they endure and taint children's views of themselves and others... How well a child copes with her family's transition and its far-ranging implications will be a -if not the- major influence on several important aspects of her life, including the ability to forge and sustain loving relationships and be a good parent herself."
"The truth is, children can and do live happily after divorce... You are your child's first and most influential teacher, his protector, and his guide. You can read a thousand books, see your family therapist daily, and spend every evening with a support group. But nothing has the power to help you and your child as much as your coming to terms with what has happened and resolving to move ahead and grow."

Build a Coparenting Relationship:

  • Redefine your relationship, i.e. for example business partners.
  • Choose your battles wisely, accept what you can not control.
  • Respect your ex's relationship with your child.
  • When you have good cause to be concerned about your ex's parenting behavior, discuss it in a nonthreatening manner.
  • Go out of your way to ensure that your ex is included in your child's life.
  • Try not to fight, and especially never in front of your child.
  • Be flexible and accommodate parenting changes as necessary.
  • Remembering that 'coparenting' is not always synonymous with 'equal parenting.'
  • When making a decision about your child, think first: what is in my child's best interest?

"Parents who keep the line of communication open and humming, who acknowledge their children's feelings and help them master their divorce experience, do more than improve their child's chances of future happiness. Simply by facilitating that process, they create an environment in which their children will be comfortable discussing other important issues. These parents reduce the chances that unresolved divorce-related issues will create future problems. And by just remaining in touch with your child, you relieve yourself and your family of the stress of misunderstanding, shutting down, and losing each other."

Everyday, I must speak with Iggy openly and honestly. Share with him what I am feeling and ask him to share with me how and what he is feeling and why. I must do this to build a healthy habit of communication - leading to discussion and reflection.

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