Chapter 6 The Season of Change: Understanding 9-12 Year Old

As my son turned 10 3.5 months ago, I have moved ahead to chapter 6.  This chapter has a great deal to offer, but I think the most important point by far is that at this age it is absolutely key to be emotionally receptive to your child, even when it is hard to do so.

Brooke and I see the difficulties Iggy has maintaining friendships and this is a time when friendships are increasingly important.  He wants to be accepted by his friends, however to do so he needs to be independent, whine less, not always strive to be at the center of attention, but learn to lay back, observe, consider where he fits and then insert himself thoughtfully.

Whenever he gets upset, I try to engage in reflective conversation:
Take a deep breath, try to relax.  A sensitive hug or rub of the back...  Then, how do you feel?  What exactly happened?  How could the interaction have been different?  I'm not sure if this is the right approach, but I do want him to feel that he can open up to me, talk to me about anything.

Now, you may have to fine-tune your parenting style so that your child's respect for you is honestly earned, not grudgingly given.
As I read this, I foresee the challenge - patience, being able to conjure empathy even when emotions run high.  Iggy has always been strong-willed and maintained some sense of independence - that he has a choice and that choice matters.  So with a strong-willed child at this age, I must be able to take a step back, take a deep breath, walk away for a moment if necessary and then patiently engage.

The parent who listens to her child, who validates his feelings and empathizes with him, builds a shelter he will return to as he grows older and his questions and problems - about religion, ethics, education, and life - get tougher.  Think of this shelter as the one private, magical place where your child listens, shares, and one day comes to understand you, too.  Make it comfortable and strong, and be sure the door is always open.  Children who leave this stage feeling deeply connected to their parents rarely lose touch during the teen years and beyond.  However, those who enter their teens feeling they've lost their parents are rarely brought back into the fold.
The chapter sites Dr. Robert William Blum (in 1997 director of the Adolescent Health Program at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis) from an interview with the NY Times.  I dug up the article "Youth Study Elevates Family's Role" and it ends with the following:

But the only factor that was linked with a lower risk across the board was a close-knit family, the study found. Emotional closeness proved more significant than the amount of time that parents spent with their teen-agers at home, calling into question a prevalent view among experts that parents can make a big difference by being home at important times of day, like after school, Dr. Blum said. Being home at such times was associated with a lower incidence of some behaviors, like smoking cigarettes or marijuana and, only among those in 9th to 12 grade, less frequent alcohol use. 
"What this study showed is that it is emotional availability far more than physical presence that makes the difference," Dr. Blum said. "You need to give your kids the message that when they need to talk to you, you're available, even if it's by phone, and that they matter."

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