Parenting in Divorce

There was once a baby born who did not blink!  His mother did not at first notice that her child did not blink, but eventually as time passed it occurred to her, my son does not blink.  She decided to remain calm and just observe him more closely. Years passed and still she never saw him blink and she panicked!  By this time the boy was nearly four years old!  He seemed like a perfectly healthy boy.  He was smart, well behaved, used his words, fully potty trained, but he did not blink! She took her son to the doctor and finally brought it up with the doctor.  "Doctor, in the nearly four years of my son's life, I have never, once seen him blink!"  she nervously stated.  "What could this mean?  What if he doesn't blink?  What will happen?!" The doctor laughed off her concerns, "Ah, do not worry, your son is a good boy in excellent health.  I'm sure he blinks, you just haven't caught him doing so."  The doctor looked at the ...

Lucas Ignacio volo al espacio A construir un palacio Hecho de estrellas...

Keep in mind that most kids have the ability to work through their issues on their own...  Your child's play belongs solely to him. As I continue through the chapter "Understanding Children's Play and Art," there is a discussion that it is best to not inject oneself into the child's play time - to be audience until invited rather than say inserting one's adult narrative or reality.  The point is to allow the child to explore his own imagination, create his own fantasy.  In reflection, I may not have been very good at this as I always immediately got down to play with Iggy and I'd make suggestions, push his imagination in different directions.  I always enjoyed playing with him and I wonder if my enjoyment of this time with him may have curtailed his explorations.  I certainly hope not and there's not much to do about now as he is 10 years old and already draws so much of his ideas from the popular culture that he is audience to from graphic novels to...

In reading chapter 2 "Bodies to Sticks, Make-Believe to Resolution" from Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce , I felt positive about all the time I have dedicated to being with Iggy as he grew up.  I never had an issue in making him first - making him the priority in my life, above art-making, work responsibilities, no matter what, I found ways to have Iggy be my priority.  I also always enjoyed playing with him, from getting on the floor and building cities from wooden blocks and train tracks to teaching him how to ride a bicycle on the hillside of a Finnish graveyard in Lakeland to teaching him how to shoot a basketball and dribble to practicing his baseball pitching as a catcher even when it killed my knees...  I love having all these moments with my son. As a child to Nicaraguan immigrant parents, my parents had to work hard.  Fortunately, in the 1970s in San Francisco, it was financially possible for my mom to stay at home until I entered first grade and I was...

A couple days ago, I watched "Get Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling" by Amy McCready and I found it useful.  McCready describes her own tipping point as one evening she went to bed with a sore throat from yelling at her kids as she tried to get them to bed.  She realized that the image of her that they fell asleep to was this raging, yelling mother.  She was horrified by this and went on to be certified in positive discipline. She asked the watchers of the webinar to list their battles and I did so: Not Listening Constantly Negotiating Tantrums End of Screen Time Getting into the Shower Talking Back These are the primary ones, however, the biggest lately seems to be getting Iggy off the screen.  He uses his screen as a form of escape - escape from his new reality as a child of divorced parents, allows him to not have to think about the fact that he no longers lives in a full household.  He like many kids at this time, loves playin...

Communicating with Iggy: This is recommended for your younger children, but should try it with Iggy.  Pretend to be someone else.  The example in the book is when driving a child to school pretend to be a bus driver and ask him about his weekend.  "It is often less threatening for a younger child to disclose his feelings to a stranger. The journey from full dependence to independence is not really a straightforward trek up a long flight of stairs.  Instead, it's a series of crisscrossing paths, shortcuts, and detours in the multilevel maze, all leading to the center, to the person we each will become.  Over the course of childhood, we explore those paths, and we often return to familiar territory before venturing beyond.  All the while, we are accomplishing the same tasks, moving toward the same center. Iggy will feel sadness.  The problem is not that the child feels sadness, but how he expresses it.  What distinguishes a healthy sadness fro...

"Despite it's bad reputation, anger can often be a healthy emotion."  Focus on how the anger is allowed to be manifested and how it can be used to reveal the feelings and reasons behind the anger. Two extremes in dealing with anger: On one side are parents who totally stifle anger, which can cause a child's sadness or frustration to be turned inward, resulting in withdrawal, depression (or a 'numbing down' of feelings), and indifference.   On the other are those who openly invite anger without establishing boundaries, resulting in a child who loses self-control and lacks the ability to cope with challenging situations. Exercise: Sit with Iggy and ask him to list things that he's angry about and I do the same.  Try to guess aloud what the other has written before sharing the list.  Then make a star next to the ones you can change or do something about and discuss what cannot be changed as well.  MY LIST SHOULD NOT EXPRESS HOSTILITY TO BROOKE. ...

Childhood is a state of being, rife with contradictions and full of wonder.  It shapes not only who we are but determines our capacity to continue growing long after we have "grown up."  For better or worse, children usually grow up seeking people and situations that reinforce and restate the basic premises they grew up with...  In raising children, however, we are also granted countless opportunities to make things go right. I have always been a loving father, readily available to Iggy and prepared to put anything aside in order to make him the priority.  Due to the divorce it is more difficult to always be present and demonstrate my attention to Iggy as I have in the past.  When I am with Iggy, I must give him my full attention and help him to recognize how much I love him, but also be attentive to any learning moments.  To model kindness and thoughtfulness, generally, I do this, but must be more attentive to always continue to do so. The Art of Di...

As I confront parenting difficulties, I am reading through Helping Kids Cope with Divorce chapter by chapter in hope that it will help guide me through parenting in my new reality as a divorced father. I will be writing quotes and notes chapter by chapter in this blog, as a place to return to whenever necessary and as a way to help carve necessary concepts into my mind. Iggy is seeking more control over his life. He of course wishes that his parents had never separated, that I had never left the apartment that he has shared with his father and mother. He is a boy that since very early in his life loved the sense of family. Whenever I'd take him to the park as a toddler, if he saw a family near by, he would venture over to them and try to become part of that larger unit. The separation of his parents has caused him deep pain. The three of us were a single unit for the first eight years of his life, now that reality, the only one that he knew was gone. From "Introduct...